Grateful

I am grateful for this year.

It's hard to believe that I can say those words. Especially after we lost a baby, lost my dad and then struggled with the loss of a very dear friend. All these losses happened in a six week time frame...it was hard to even grieve one loss before the next one came. As it turns out, grief works itself out in it's own unique way and the sadness for each loss comes and goes and weaves itself into our daily lives.

When I say we lost a baby, what I mean is that the loss of a baby was our loss. He is still alive. We were adopting Chandler and had him for 10 weeks. Giving back a baby I was nursing was the hardest thing I'd ever done. A baby we had called "son". A baby we embraced and cared for. A baby that we all held and walked and loved. As I gave him back to his mom, I was full of judgment and harsh criticism for her choices and her life. Today, I am filled with love for her. There is still sadness for us; but the love we hold for her and for him could fill a million hearts.

Then the loss hits. It's a regular day, at a history class, and our 10 year old daughter comes over with a smile on her face as she's just finished her family tree. She's so excited and thrilled to show me that she's included Chandler in her family, since he's her "almost brother". There are no tears for her, only joy. For me, my heart starts to bleed and I'm overcome with sadness. Scenes like this happen daily in both small and large ways. He is a part of our lives and we must hold him in our hearts, trust that angels watch over him and keep on living.

We gave Chandler back on a Tuesday. My family in Florida called that Saturday to say my Dad had died suddenly. Amidst unanswered questions and uncertainty, we flew out the next day, the kids and I, to say good-bye to a great man. My moms grief was raw. My own pain and grief was overwhelming. I had just lost a baby. I had milk flowing from my breasts. This loving family that lived 3000 miles away never new our Chandler and couldn't relate to my recent loss. My body ached with the pain of losing a baby and a Father in just five days.

The story of my Dad is a love story. I didn't meet him until I was 21 and he accepted me unconditionally. We learned a lot about love and acceptance as we grew to know each other. I tested him. He hung on for the ride and passed all the tests of an uncertain girl that didn't think she needed a father. As I said good-bye to this wonderful man, I realized the gift he'd given me. He had been a father and grandfather, a husband, a friend, a leader. He had the largest funeral I've ever seen and I know he is sorely missed by all. I love you Dad.

Four weeks later, our dearest friend Harvey died. Really, this pain was the hardest to bear. He had been a great friend to Scott and I, a dear father to his lovely boys and a wonderful husband to my dearest friend. We all cried and cried at the loss of this young father and husband. It didn't make sense and our hearts just ached and ached. More questions left unanswered. We shared phone call conversations. He adored his wife, he told me so. He held her in the highest esteem and shared with me that she was his everything. He thought his kids were amazing. You could hear the pride in his voice. I asked if he'd give Scott some husband lessons as I thought his words were the most beautiful words I had ever heard. The love in his voice came through loud and clear and unmistakable. He was in love with his wife and kids and thoroughly loved his life.

The gratitude comes now, months later, as I reflect on the gifts we've received from all three of these relationships....

With Chandler, there was love. Unconditional love. Smiles. Joy. Happiness. Deep satisfaction. Family connection. Teething. Drooling, wet kisses. Community. Friends. Caring. Love. Unconditional love.

With my Dad, there were smiles. And love. Fishing. Jokes. Giggles and tickles and silly fun. Boiled peanuts. Banana Puddin'. Friends. Fish Fry with friends. Boats. River trips. Karaoke. Pictures. Smiles. More love. Unconditional love.

With Harvey, there was friendship. And fun. Camping. Bagels with lox and cream cheese. Pitching tents in just the right location. Feng Shui. Meatballs. Dinners together. Swimming. Beer. Great conversation. Support. Friendship. Chocolate Nose. Love. Unconditional love.

So there it is, the gratitude at knowing them all. Being there with them, for them, by them. The talking, the crying, the staying up late. The smiles. The love. The time spent together, just because we cared for each other.

I am grateful. Deeply grateful for Chandler, for my Dad, for Harvey. For the life we live and the times we shared. For tears of joy and tears of sadness. For life, our life!