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Today was a difficult day. It took all day for me to remember who I was and how much love surrounds me. This puzzles me a great deal; how can I be thrown off so easily by a nasty email? An email that is only letters on a page....not a reflection of WHO I am or HOW I choose to live my life. Letters on a page, pieced together into words that cut like a knife through my heart. Had this not been addressed to me, it would have been easier to see how much pain this person is in to reach out to hurt me like this. Had it not been addressed to me, I could have been compassionate and loving and tender... Instead, I spent the bulk of my day thinking about this person and the letters and words she sent me.....why, I now wonder did I give those letters so much power over me?
Tonight, my Taylor, sent me an email about someone who chooses to live their life in a good mood....seeing the positive side of things....living their life with purpose and joy. This is who I think I am most of the time. I'm thankful to Taylor for reminding me to see the joy. To see the love. To see that these were only letters on a page...nothing that can hurt me or my family. What a miracle to end my day with this thought in mind. I do choose to live in joy, to live in love, to be happy and to have fun.
Thank you Taylor.....
It's a rainy day miracle. Precious time at home with all the kids....definitely a miracle. Meagan was able to get into another class....a happy teenage miracle! Abigail notices the subtle shift in light as the rain fades away, the sun begins to show itself, just in time to set for the night...."Oh Mom, look at the light in the yard...it's beautiful!".....definitely a miracle. Having your ten your old stop and notice something so subtle and beautiful and small.
The sun has set, the air is fresh, my chicks are safe and happy....it's definitely a miracle and life is amazing good!!
Monday, February 1st....
I'm grateful and happy today. The whole world seems bright and fresh and clean. I had the most amazing ah-ha moment this morning, when I was reading and working on my intentions. It came to me that I am happy. Not just the everyday variety of happy, but truly, honestly, ecstatically happy! I feel like singing and telling everyone, maybe even writing it in the sky. This happiness has always been there, even when it couldn't see it.
I have an amazing husband of 21 years who is also my best friend. He's handsome, blonde with blue eyes, tall enough for me, flirty, fun and great with the kids! He just happens to adore me....which is wonderful! Even more wonderful is that he adores me no matter what....before kids at a very skinny size, after kids, with a not as skinny size, when I wake up, when I'm "made up", when I try on a sweet hat and when I try on a sassy hat. He just adores me. THIS is real love. I tell our kids this all the time: look for someone that loves you and likes you, no matter what. Look for someone whose happiness isn't dependent on what you look like, think like, act like. Someone that knows, even when it's not showing, that you're the absolutely best person in the world.
I also have for wonderfully fantastic children whom I adore! They bring me happiness by just being. Just being them. They are soft, caring, thoughtful, tender, kind. They are still little and learning, just like the rest of us, so they are also grumpy, challenging and trying.
I also have me. I never really gave myself credit before for much of anything. Recently I watched a movie, You Can Heal Your Life, by Louise Hays with my dearest friend Suzanne. In this movie, they talk about the "self talk" we all have going on in our heads all the time. They also talk about loving yourself, liking yourself, forgiving yourself, enjoying yourself, giving yourself the love you would give a lover. So, I've been telling myself that I'm beautiful. That I'm kind. Thoughtful. Loving. Loveable. Compassionate. Tender. Sexy. Slim. That I love myself. I forgive myself. Oh, the last two are especially hard....though I'm working on it each day.
I think all this gratitude and self care has paid off in massive amounts of happiness. It really is all good and life is really amazing and miracles are everywhere. Today, I am grateful and happy.....really, really happy!!
Monday morning. It's a beautiful day and we're heading out to the local community college to drop a class. Sometimes, getting what you want doesn't work out quite like you planned. These are things learned by my teen as she navigates her life. She has a very dear friend staying with us for a month and she realized that to do her best in this class meant that the other parts of her life would be on hold or at least given little attention. This doesn't work for friends, not for long anyway, and especially not when they come from a few states away to spend time with you. So, a lesson learned about compassion and generosity and giving and taking. It's all good. She'll take the class next semester. For now, she and her friend will learn and grow through exploring other interests. Who knows, maybe this will open new doors for both of them.
We had a good time at the farmers market this morning and met a new vendor....the worm lady! She is wonderful and sold us a starter kit for composting our fresh fruit and veggie trimmings. Did you know that worms can eat our garbage? That they don't smell? They can be kept indoors or out, just so long as they are out of direct sunlight. They create amazing compost, called worm castings, for the garden and are generally a great way to add organic material to your garden for little cost! We're so excited!!
Abigail and Parker will be in charge of our worm project....this is homeschooling at its best!! First, they need to set up the bin with a layer of coconut fiber and prepare some shredded paper (recycled of course) and set up "house" for our worms. The food scraps go between the layers and our new worms get plopped on top of that. I imagine by the end of the day, they will have measured a few, named a few and generally made them comfy and cozy.
We'll take pictures as they progress and keep you posted on our latest project.
I am grateful for this year.
It's hard to believe that I can say those words. Especially after we lost a baby, lost my dad and then struggled with the loss of a very dear friend. All these losses happened in a six week time frame...it was hard to even grieve one loss before the next one came. As it turns out, grief works itself out in it's own unique way and the sadness for each loss comes and goes and weaves itself into our daily lives.
When I say we lost a baby, what I mean is that the loss of a baby was our loss. He is still alive. We were adopting Chandler and had him for 10 weeks. Giving back a baby I was nursing was the hardest thing I'd ever done. A baby we had called "son". A baby we embraced and cared for. A baby that we all held and walked and loved. As I gave him back to his mom, I was full of judgment and harsh criticism for her choices and her life. Today, I am filled with love for her. There is still sadness for us; but the love we hold for her and for him could fill a million hearts.
Then the loss hits. It's a regular day, at a history class, and our 10 year old daughter comes over with a smile on her face as she's just finished her family tree. She's so excited and thrilled to show me that she's included Chandler in her family, since he's her "almost brother". There are no tears for her, only joy. For me, my heart starts to bleed and I'm overcome with sadness. Scenes like this happen daily in both small and large ways. He is a part of our lives and we must hold him in our hearts, trust that angels watch over him and keep on living.
We gave Chandler back on a Tuesday. My family in Florida called that Saturday to say my Dad had died suddenly. Amidst unanswered questions and uncertainty, we flew out the next day, the kids and I, to say good-bye to a great man. My moms grief was raw. My own pain and grief was overwhelming. I had just lost a baby. I had milk flowing from my breasts. This loving family that lived 3000 miles away never new our Chandler and couldn't relate to my recent loss. My body ached with the pain of losing a baby and a Father in just five days.
The story of my Dad is a love story. I didn't meet him until I was 21 and he accepted me unconditionally. We learned a lot about love and acceptance as we grew to know each other. I tested him. He hung on for the ride and passed all the tests of an uncertain girl that didn't think she needed a father. As I said good-bye to this wonderful man, I realized the gift he'd given me. He had been a father and grandfather, a husband, a friend, a leader. He had the largest funeral I've ever seen and I know he is sorely missed by all. I love you Dad.
Four weeks later, our dearest friend Harvey died. Really, this pain was the hardest to bear. He had been a great friend to Scott and I, a dear father to his lovely boys and a wonderful husband to my dearest friend. We all cried and cried at the loss of this young father and husband. It didn't make sense and our hearts just ached and ached. More questions left unanswered. We shared phone call conversations. He adored his wife, he told me so. He held her in the highest esteem and shared with me that she was his everything. He thought his kids were amazing. You could hear the pride in his voice. I asked if he'd give Scott some husband lessons as I thought his words were the most beautiful words I had ever heard. The love in his voice came through loud and clear and unmistakable. He was in love with his wife and kids and thoroughly loved his life.
The gratitude comes now, months later, as I reflect on the gifts we've received from all three of these relationships....
With Chandler, there was love. Unconditional love. Smiles. Joy. Happiness. Deep satisfaction. Family connection. Teething. Drooling, wet kisses. Community. Friends. Caring. Love. Unconditional love.
With my Dad, there were smiles. And love. Fishing. Jokes. Giggles and tickles and silly fun. Boiled peanuts. Banana Puddin'. Friends. Fish Fry with friends. Boats. River trips. Karaoke. Pictures. Smiles. More love. Unconditional love.
With Harvey, there was friendship. And fun. Camping. Bagels with lox and cream cheese. Pitching tents in just the right location. Feng Shui. Meatballs. Dinners together. Swimming. Beer. Great conversation. Support. Friendship. Chocolate Nose. Love. Unconditional love.
So there it is, the gratitude at knowing them all. Being there with them, for them, by them. The talking, the crying, the staying up late. The smiles. The love. The time spent together, just because we cared for each other.
I am grateful. Deeply grateful for Chandler, for my Dad, for Harvey. For the life we live and the times we shared. For tears of joy and tears of sadness. For life, our life!
